I’ve been hearing about this for a while now, each time gritting my teeth and vowing not to let the inner curmudgeon escape. But it’s gone too far. I have to make some sort of comment, especially after this piece of shameless pandering. Go ‘mudgy!
Church-frikkin’-key Frikkin’-Can Company. Oy! It’s not enough that we have stores selling ugly-ass 1970’s furniture, now we must endure retro-obsessed hipsters who think that the ultimate in cool is an old-fashioned “flat top” beer can! (BTW, “flat-top” is an invented term. When these things were actually the norm, they were simply known as “beer cans.”) Why it’s cool they don’t know, but the company has something to do with that dude from Entourage and, hey!, they have a neat video on their website showing you the right way to open the can! So it must be cool, right?
No, dumbass, it’s not. Any more than it would be really, really cool to take your clothes down to the stream and beat on them with a rock or haul around huge blocks of ice to keep your refrigerator cold. It’s called progress, and while it sometimes breeds bad things like beer that doesn’t really taste like beer and hamburgers that taste nothing like beef, it also makes our lives easier in many ways, like not needing to hunt around for a can punch every time you want to open a beer.
Note that this is NOT the same as the twist-off vs. pry cap issue. The twist-off is an inefficient seal that shreds fingers something like three out of every twenty tries, whereas the pry cap provides a nearly fail-proof seal that can be opened with anything from an opener to a lighter to a rolled-up magazine. The modern pull-top can, on the other hand, provides a great seal and opens without any extra equipment, whereas the “flat top” requires a very specific device to open it, which means that the only possible reason to change from the new to the old is pretension, pure and simple.
For all I know, the beer inside the Churchkey can is quite good, and given the chance I’ll be happy to try it and say what I think. But selling a beer of any sort based upon the kind of can it’s in harkens to the worst of the big brewing companies’ marketing manipulations, and if you fall for it, then you might as well also stock your fridge with cans that change colour when cold and bottles that swirl your beer as you pour.